My Vanilla Sky Became Gloomy When my Mom Died

This entry was posted on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 11:21 pm in bigtravelmind.blogspot.com which is no longer accessible

Philippians 1:21 To Live is for Christ and To Die is Gain

Losing my Bestfriend

My mom died just last March 15 at exactly 3:15pm. I can see she was still breathing, but can’t be revived by plain cpr, and so medical doctors decided to discontinue and let go of her.

Few days before March 15, My mom has been texting my brother (walts) to accompany her to the province because she can’t bear the heat of summer. Until March 09, Monday I think, My brother fetch her from home (Fairview) to transfer her to our house in Batangas. And they dropped by to the Hospital to meet up with her doctor before leaving manila. The doctor advised her not to leave due to expected condition; Her feet, legs and part of her hands and arms are puffed-up. And so to cut the story short, My mom was confined on the same day. Her cardiologist (in Fairview General Hospital) assumed that the swelling could be caused by either an amount of water in the lungs or something to do with the valves of the heart. Mind you, she was not readily given a room and a bed because every room was occupied and so she stayed inside the e.r, was given oxygen and dextrose. And it continued for long hours until they got a room. Every after my work, I tried to visit her. The same scenario happened when she was in her room on the 3rd floor, nurses come and go, medical practitioners who attended to her were few. Until on the 5th day of confinement, I can remember that there was only one doctor who was attending and making rounds to all patients and she’s also the attending physician in the e.r. It was really difficult for my mom, she felt weaker and became weaker (of course she’d be weak, just imagining the apparatus tangled in her). Until her cardiologist told her that she needs to be transfered to Phil. Heart Center. And the cardiologist went away, and again it’s the lady physician all alone, attending to the patients in the e.r and the patients upstairs. We waited the whole afternoon for the ambulance and all. But it seemed that none was available. According to the staff they’re coordinating with the Heart Center. They told us they’re still looking for a doctor to come with us inside the ambulance, of course the lady doctor can’t just leave the hospital, obviously there’ll be no sub. for her. Here came 11pm, at long last the ambulance came with a doctor. My mom that time was at her most awful feeling and situation. She was weak. She felt tired already. She can hardly speak, move and eat. She weeps most of the time.

We arrived at almost 12 midnight if i’m not mistaken. Inside the e.r, she wasn’t able to lie down,rest because there were no available beds, no unoccupied icu rooms. She waited for several hours up to the next day. Her bones and musles were already aching and maybe that time, at its worst condition. Even mere sitting, she was comfortable no more. (But for the record, she started feeling bumpy when she was still in the previous hospital). And finally she was given a bed but inside the e.r only. Still no beds available in the i.c.u. A lot of procedure was made including xray, ultrasound and the likes. She was so tired then. She was so tired of sitting and so worn-out of lying down. She didn’t even have the appetite. Until a pulmonologist came to check her, she read the chest xray and found out that her lungs is filled by water, 600 ml of water is in her lungs. (She obviously had drink more than 1 liter a day as advised by her doctor -I just don’t know how this happened, for the second time that I wasn’t with her to check her from time to time). I don’t want to argue with this because it’s too late. But it makes me sadder up to now, thinking that I should not let her stay with people who only cares about their welfare. i thought my decision of going away for two months would be a turning point for others to change and care for my mom, but it was the other way around. One thing I can remember when we were in the hospital is her telling me that i left her and that people with her gave her stress all the time and di daw xa inaasikaso. Hearing those words from my mother made me really want to curse those people. So now, whatever emotions I have, No one can deprived me of.

I was terribly worried about her and very sad of the situation she’s going through. If she weren’t a good mother, I won’t feel that way anyway. Moving on, the next procedure is 2d echo, xray to see the condition of the heart. My mom was teary-eyed during her 2d echo because she can no longer bear the pain she’s feeling inside her body. She even begged to the two doctors to stop the procedure for the meantime, cried for a while but the doctors didn’t mind because 2d echo is vital at that moment. I went out the e.r to take a nap at the waiting area after a long night without sleep and a whole night of just standing beside her , my brother (walts) and a friend went inside to sub., just maybe 2 minutes or so after, my brother was about to feed her, she told that she’s dizzy and immediately after, she was cardiac arrest for the first time. The doctors on-duty that time were impressive, they’re fast (but of course, I didn’t realize it that time because I’m looking at her and praying). I’m praying that moment that God would prolong her life as what she desires. And so after 6 times of cpr I guess, she was revived. I thanked God even for that short time He blessed my mom. Shortly after, respirators were given, and other apparatus were connected to her manually, it hurts obviously especially all those scenarios was her first time experience. Then, she was transferred to the icu. The doctors who were incharge of the patients in the icu told us my mom is really critical, and every next procedure will all be risky, and it’ll be surgery. But first, her blood pressure should be stable. Going back to e.r scenario before she was cardiac arrest, the plan is to unload the water in her lungs but it didn’t went through because her blood pressure is too low. and unfortunately followed by the arrest. Moving on… In the icu, plans were changed, my mom is not responding due to anesthesia given after the arrest. The doctors decided that next should be an operation, to prolong her life for the day. According to the doctors, the operation they’ll be doing will only prolong her life for a day or two, they said that they’ll put a balloon in my mom’s heart valves to expand it because my mom’s valves are very narrow. The operation they said was very risky, one mistake, my mom dies. After more than two hrs. of waiting in faith that God will show a miracle, finally, it was a success, they told us that only 1 valve was severe and the other was insignificant. Well that’s a miracle.

Then from the o.r she was transferred back to icu. During the day we didn’t have any idea whether she’s sleeping or not because only her hands were responding. Until the doctors said that she had complications, her kidney was down, she no longer have eye sight. Then the next cardiac arrest followed. All I can remember was my mom’s smile and look of hope, and how she would touch my hand by her finger during the time she’s in pain and every arrest she experienced. Her smile to me while in pain is one great memory of her.

Four years before everything happened, I was having a hard time to breathe and I made up my mind to consult a cardiologist. Knowing that my mom haven’t tried to visit a physician for a general checkup her whole life and that time i noticed she gets tired easily after a long walk, I decided to tag her along. We visited a referred specialist. The result of my ecg was normal but my mom’s was not. A lot of procedure followed, she was diagnosed with Rheumatic Heart Disease, according to the doctor, her 2 heart valves are to be replaced and her heart is enlarged almost twice the size of the normal. Surgical operation was the only way to cure it, nonetheless there were medicines given for maintenance. of course operations are risky esp. when its the heart where talking about. My mom was scared of that, well not just scared but that procedure would cost millions, and where are we gonna look for that amount. In short, my mom didn’t agree to an operation. She said she’s okay for as long as she have her maintenance. She told me that she’ll just wait for miracles to happen because nothing is impossible to God. That’s my mom’s faith -unwavering.

For 25 years of being with her, no one should have the guts to pretend that she knows her more than I do, that they feel for her more than I do, that they understand her mind more than I do. I’m just a little sad for people who have done wrong to my mom, who have stressed her out because of issues that is actually not her business at all. My mother who has been disrespected a lot of times, unloved by simple-minded persons, and abused by most people still would show respect and love to them. That’s how I know my mom, She hates the liars, the unfaithful and the pretentious but because she’s a lot like a saint, She would still hang on to her good manners and right conduct. She will never avenge herself because she knows that God is a God of justice. That is what I got from her. There were only a number of moments i burst out of emotions (I never fight back-She told me, “let God fight for you and never ever curse but always ask God to bless them instead”). It isn’t just strength she bestowed on me but a daily realization that God’s love is steadfast and clinging on his Words and his promises will never let me astray.

She believed in the Lord’s miraculous healing, and I too believed. The day she passed away is the saddest moment of my life but I was happy that the miracle we were waiting for to come have finally came to pass. Now she’s with the Lord, certainly happy and healthy, and it’ll be for eternity.

I must admit that now I’m no longer skeptical in this epigram that goes “a good grass always die first” . Obviously because my mom i can say is a good grass. She had been an excellent parent to me. She wasn't just a parent but the truest bestfriend I got. She’d say straightforward what’s good in me and always there to spank me through words once in a while when i’m being pig-headed.

Again…For 25 years of being with her, no one should have the guts to pretend that she knows her more than I do, that they feel for her more than I do, that they understand her mind more than I do. I’m just a little sad for people who have done wrong to my mom, who have stressed her out because of issues that is actually not her business at all. My mother who has been disrespected a lot of times, unloved by simple-minded persons, and abused by most people still would show respect and love to them. That’s how I know my mom, She hates the liars, the unfaithful and the pretentious but because she’s a lot like a saint, She would still hang on to her good manners and right conduct. She will never avenge herself because she knows that God is a God of justice. That is what I got from her. There were only a number of moments i burst out of emotions (I never fight back-She told me, “let God fight for you and never ever curse but always ask God to bless them instead”). It isn’t just strength she bestowed on me but a daily realization that God’s love is steadfast and clinging on his Words and his promises will never let me astray. - I have forgiven all of you but I can't promise to befriend you.

I know she’s with the Lord now, she’s more than happy now with her Creator. But still, I will forever mourn for my lost and no one can deprived me from doing so. I’m still coping…